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Well another sunday went by that I had to miss. Even though I caught it live it still wasnt the same. I missed hearing Jvo today but he is only human and does need a break sometimes. Daves message was really good today, although it always is, I really enjoyed todays. I wonder how Randy is doing. He is in my thoughts and prayers along with his family. I go to the doctors tomorrow for my weekly check up. As the days go by I get more discouraged because I am not feeling any better but worse. My heart goes out to my hubby Marcus right now cause it seems like he has the weight of the world on his back. He starts college full time August 20th and has to try to manange to get some kind of income coming in along with trying to study. I wish I could do something to help make the load a little easier for him. Calebs 7th birthday is next month on the 19th and zachs 3rd is on the 7th and with trying to figure out what to do with baby items, rent, consumers, and the van payment just gets to be to much at times. Sometimes crying seems to be the only thing I can do. I know I need to trust god that everything will work out but its just so much stress and finanical stuff that needs to be taken care of before october, I dont feel right even thinking of putting that much burden on him. Everyone says he will not give you more that you can handle but I dont even feel like I can handle all this as it is. I have to admit as much as I hate to, I get angry at times. I cant help but wonder why this stuff happens. I dont think he makes it happen but it seems like he could prevent it. My job was going so good. We were starting to get caught up and then I get taken off on bedrest and we just fall right back even darker into a black hole and its hard to see the light, any kind of a good outcome. What am I missing? Am I not doing something right that is bringing this onto myself? i just dont have any answers. Just tears and discouragment. Thoughts that by October we will lose the van, or no way to pay rent, or the power will be shut off, or I will not have anything for the baby. I keep thinking about what terry younkin said that everything is just a bandiad, just temporary to the big problem. I dont like the person that this discouragment is making me. Im tired of being sad, and negitive and not having any hope anymore. I feel like I not only have hit rock bottom but keep bouncing off of it over and over again. God please give me strength to get through this horriably difficult time right now because I know that even though my heart and faith isnt where it should be, only your strength and love is going to get me through this time in my life. Niki